Bleak Devotion Page 12

  “What are you thinking about?”

  “I'm not sure you want to know.”

  “I do.”

  “Maybe I shouldn't tell you. I'd hate for you to have to run off because of me.”

  Blade stared into her eyes, making her pulse dance. “I want to hear if you want to tell me.”

  Jessica took a deep breath and went with the less dangerous thought. She'd almost forgotten about Zach anyway. Almost. “I was worrying about you leaving tomorrow, wondering if you'll be safe while gone.”

  His tremors started vibrating the couch lightly. “Humans are such strange creatures.”

  Her eyebrows rose. “Excuse me?”

  “I don't mean to offend you, I just wonder why you're more concerned for me than you. I mean, we care for our families and community. That's the same as what I've seen your kind do. But I don't get this. I won't be in any danger. You'll be in more danger than me.”

  “I doubt we'll be in danger while you are gone, and I just can't help but worry about you,” she said, voice sounding much too small. “What if they find you out? What if they won't let you come back because of it? What if they hurt you?”

  He watched, carefully assessing her. “I'll be fine, Jess. They won't uncover that I'm helping you. They aren't going to hurt me. And nothing will stop me from coming back to you.”

  His words sent the warmth swaying within her again, but a nervous twinge still plagued her. “How can you be sure?”

  “It's not possible for me to stay away from you.” His shaking grew. “I will do anything in my power to come back to you.”

  Tears built up in her eyes. She tilted her head to the side so he wouldn't be able to see them. So he wouldn't have to fight against seeing more emotion. If only she was steadfast enough, like before, so as not to show it. “You really feel that strongly?” The couch beneath her shook violently. That was all the answer she needed. “What type of supplies will you be looking for?”

  Blade sighed and was silent a moment while the tremors slowed. “Security equipment mostly, plus a few items for the hideout renovation.”

  “Can you find what's needed?”

  “I should at the least bring back something that will work, even if it's not an exact match.” His hand thumbed the back of his arm. “I've been wondering, what are human families like? You all talk about them, but I've never seen one.”

  She blinked a few times, surprised by the question. “Um… well, we're all different. We vary from place to place and family to family. Some have two parents, others have only one. Some have no children, others have a lot. I met a lady once who had thirteen children. I can't imagine what that'd be like.”

  “Thirteen? That's definitely different.”

  “For me too.” Her family only had two children. It still hurt to think of her only sibling. James, his tiny arms wrapping around her.

  “This happens to our families,” he said, breaking her from the memories. “War is what changes our families. What changes yours?”

  “Loads of things. Some people can't have kids, so they may adopt. Or if the parents don't get along, they may divorce and the children will live with one or another.”

  His smooth forehead wrinkled slightly. “What do you mean di— divorced?”

  “Haven't you heard that word before?”

  He shook his head.

  “You speak so well I forget sometimes that you don't natively speak English.”

  He shrugged. “Erin was a really good teacher. Plus, she said I learn really quickly. I don't think it's much different from others of my kind though.”

  Others of his kind. Their differences would always be between them, even if nothing more ever came of them than friendship. She cleared her throat. “Divorced means that the husband and wife end their marriage legally.”

  His eyes widened. “They're no longer married?”

  “That's right. Doesn't that happen on your planet?”

  “Never. Our families are close. We wouldn't tear them apart on purpose. Many are lost to the war or disease. Never by choice.”

  She frowned. “What if they don't get along? Or what if the husband is cruel to his wife or children? Couldn't she leave him?”

  “Husbands aren't cruel to their wives. They can't be. If they were, the wife wouldn't live long. I've never seen a husband and wife not get along. Though I haven't spent much time around any.”

  “Why not?”

  “Father's don't spend a lot of time with their families.”

  “What? Why wouldn't he be with the family?” Jessica thought of her own father. He had always spent time with her and James. Time she cherished.

  “It isn't safe. Families are important. We hold them dear. Because of this, the man gives them a lot of space so as to not hurt them. When we do have family time, it's spent just as a family with no one else in society, to minimize interactions and decrease the chance that an emotion will come out while the father is with them.”

  “Oh.” She tried to imagine a life like that. Like one where Cindy couldn't be around her father after her own had died. “That's so sad. Why even bother getting married then?”

  “The continuation of our race. Females are held dear, and children even more so. We males are designed to protect. When we find a mate, that is what we do. Just from a distance. The uniting of male and female as well as births are highly celebrated events.”

  “I guess that makes sense. How do you celebrate? If the men can't handle any emotion, what do they do?”

  “The men are there only for the beginning of the celebration. It remains very solemn when we are there. After we leave, they say it is a great occasion. I remember a few times as a child I was able to stay, before emotion threatened the security of those around me.” Blade stared at the wall with a faraway look in his eye. “Everyone was so happy. Laughing even. I had forgotten that sound until I came here and learned to temper myself a little. It has been worth learning. I love the sound of laughter.”

  She blushed as he looked at her, his shaky smile heating her far more than the fire. She cleared her throat. “It's so strange to hear about your race this way. It makes them seem so human. Well, not like us just because you have to do things differently, more like you are part of a different culture on Earth that I never heard of before. Too bad Ben can't see it that way.”

  “True, but if I had to choose I'd rather have my kind see how similar we are.”

  “I'll agree to that. Speaking of Ben, do you know his story? Why he's always so grouchy?”

  “Yes, I know his story, but I don't really know why he's less than pleasant.” He ran his fingers across his forehead. “His story really isn't different than the rest of yours.”

  Her eyebrow rose.

  “Don't look at me like that. It's true. He just has a different personality then the rest of you humans. It sounds as if he was a bitter man before any of this took place. After it happened I think he was more content. Everyone around him was angry at us creatures, giving him something to relate to, I think. By the time I picked up him and Zach, the rest of their group was gone and it wasn't too long until Zach decided I was alright. But Ben is still bitter and again alone in his bitterness.”

  “And he told you that willingly?”

  He looked away from her. “Uh, no. I learned some from being there and talking to Zach, but the rest I overheard when Deborah was talking to him.”

  “I see.”

  “I know you humans consider it rude, but my kind doesn't have secrets, except for me now. Anyway, I listened not to invade his privacy, but to ensure he wouldn't be a threat to my new family.”

  “You don't have to explain yourself to me. I would have listened in too and I'm human. Why do you think it's made him more bitter than the rest of us?”

  “I don't know for sure. Human nature is odd. Venturing a guess, I'd say it's about choices. You have chosen to work past your hardship as cheerfully as you can. He's chosen to let it fester inside him.”

  “Ch
eerfully? I can assure, my attitude isn't exactly cheerful.”

  Blade pursed his lips. “Maybe not all the time, but I can tell you are trying.”

  She made a noncommittal noise. “So, him and Zach were together when you found them? I didn't know that.”

  “Yeah, they were neighbors.”

  “Poor Zach.”

  His face tightened. “Oh yes, poor Zach.” Suddenly, his expression softened and he leaned in closer. She forced herself to keep calm as he whispered, “It's getting late.”

  “I guess so. You should get some sleep before you have to go in the morning.”

  “Yeah,” he said, but he didn't move.

  She stared into his eyes and felt her carefully placed mask slipping. The heat coursed through her like a fire, wild and untamed. Her breath came in gasps as she closed the distance between them.

  He jumped up. Chiding herself for letting her control slip, she scooted back and remasked her emotions. She couldn't keep forcing herself to maintain distance between them. It wasn't possible to feel so much and not react.

  Just as she was trying to convince herself a relationship between them was impossible, his hand reached toward her. It quivered but continued moving toward her, growing closer inch by inch. When they were just barely not touching, he stopped. Every muscle in her body clenched as she struggled not to move. Not to ruin the moment by giving away the thrill coursing through her.

  Finally he gingerly took hold of her hand, pulling her up to stand next to them. As soon as she was standing he released his grip, but maintained the closeness between them. Close enough to feel the heat of him.

  “Thank you for the enjoyable conversation,” he said, then added haltingly, “I probably won't see you before I leave in the morning. Know that I will be thinking of you. Be safe while I am gone.”

  Her heart fluttered, aching to be closer. To be in his arms and never leave. “I'll miss you. And I promise to be safe if you will.”

  “You worry needlessly. I'll be safe though.” Blade looked at her with longing. He reached up a shaky hand and brushed it against her cheek. “Good night.”

  “Good night.” As she watched him leave, she wanted to stop him from going, to keep him here as long as she could. Despite her doubts, their relationship was making progress. Slow progress, but progress none the less. The problem? Her emotions were rushing ahead far faster than either of them could handle. But she couldn't selfishly put everyone else's needs behind her own wants. As she headed toward bed, her hand held her cheek where Blade had touched it.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Jessica rolled onto her side and stared at the wall in front of her.

  “You awake?” Julie's voice came from across the room.

  “Yeah.”

  “Me, too.”

  “Either that or you've decided to start talking in your sleep.”

  Julie snickered. “Guess so.”

  “Did you need something?”

  “I just wanted to know if—if you wanted to talk about Blade.”

  “Oh.” She almost declined, but the tangle of feelings wanted to be worked out. “You were right, I like him and he appears to like me back, but…”

  “But there's the obvious problem of not being able to get close to him.”

  With a sigh, she sat up and tucked her legs under her. Julie was barely visible in the dawning light. Easier to talk to someone you didn't have to stare in the eye. “I don't know what to do. I've never felt like this before and I can't even tell him. Talking about our feelings is torture. I'm so worried about saying the wrong thing and making him turn into a monster. I don't know how I can even think of having a relationship with him. But the drive to try can't be ignored and sometimes it feels like we're making progress. I just don't know.”

  “Could you stay away from him? Maintain a distance or only be friends with him?”

  She thought about it, but the picture refused to form. “I can't. I need to be with him. Maybe just as friends, but it'd feel like a lie.”

  “Can you see yourself with him then?”

  Thought of Blade's arms encircled about her, his hand on her cheek, their lips drawing closer… She cut off the vision before it could pierce her soul. This feeling consuming her would never bring anything but heartache. “Yes, but it's just a dream that can never come true.”

  “Not to give you false hope, but dreams sometimes do come true.”

  “Be real, Jules.”

  Julie sat up, swinging her legs over her bed. “I am. Look how far he's already come. I didn't think any of them would be capable of not changing the moment they sensed emotion, but he is. I still remember screaming and screaming while he drove and he just ignored me. Give him some credit.”

  “Maybe. But whatever he is feeling is so much stronger than that. He runs off whenever I start to feel close to him. Or he shakes so hard that I'm afraid to continue and change the subject. That makes a real great relationship.”

  “Fiddle.” Julie waved her hand in the air. “He needs time. He didn't get to be this good overnight. He'll come around.” She paused, then hesitantly added, “Unless you had other plans that involved Zach.”

  Jessica grimaced. “You noticed.”

  Julie's laughter permeated the air. “Everyone's noticed. His regard toward you would be hard to miss. I don't know your feelings toward him, though. You've been a lot harder to gauge.”

  “I don't know, either.” She sighed and for a moment, a tiny moment, she almost wished she could go back to a world where all emotions must be hidden. “I like Zach. He's a nice guy. But I don't like him as much as Blade. It's more like friendship. I think. Egh. These emotions are so confusing. I've been doing better letting my feelings out since I got here, but I can't handle this. It's like a blender got hold of my insides.”

  “You can do this.” Julie put a hand on her arm and softened her voice. “Just try not to hurt Blade or Zach. The longer you encourage both of them, the more problems there are going to be.”

  Jessica nodded, but secretly wondered what it would do to Blade. She couldn't predict his feelings at all. Would it be harder for him or easier for him if she didn't return his feelings? She wanted whatever would be best for him, but couldn't see herself with Zach. She liked him, sure, but it didn't feel like anything more than friendship. She would talk to him later to try and let him down nice and easy. That, at least, she knew she needed to do.

  “Thanks for talking with me.”

  “Anytime.” Julie grinned. “Besides, I miss gossiping with the girls.”

  Jessica laughed and reached for fresh clothes. Despite the lightness of the moment, she missed it too. A deep, aching sort of pain that never felt like it would fully heal.

  ...

  Jessica tousled her wet hair and opened the bathroom door, letting the steam escape out into the hall. Though she didn't really feel hungry, she headed toward the kitchen. When she reached the stairs, she paused. Blade wasn't up there. A deep longing filled her anyway, making her wish he was. That they could be together. She found herself climbing the staircase and pausing in front of the library door.

  Blade had given everyone permission to use the library as much as they wanted in his absence, so it wasn't fear of trespassing that stopped her. She looked farther down the hall, guilt tugging at her for wanting to explore his world. Just not enough to make the desire to go away. Seeing there was no one in the library and no one coming up the stairs, she took a few unsure steps forward. Suddenly, she sprinted toward to the first room.

  The door hung open to reveal a bathroom. It was clean, with the towels hanging up straight and nothing littering the floor, unlike when Jessica had her own bathroom. Disappointed by the lack of information she gleaned from the room, she moved a few more steps to the next room.

  It was a little smaller than the library, but more crowded. A radio, a Polaroid camera, and some walkie-talkies cluttered the table. A hodgepodge of other items filled the shelves in what looked to be an orderly fashion, but
she didn't know what type of order.

  When none of the items clamored for her attention, she made a note of the room in case she got a chance to explore farther later and continued on. At the end of the hall were two closed doors. She randomly picked one and opened it. Her jaw dangled. The room had to be his bedroom, but it was void of anything except a quilt and pillow in the middle of the floor. Not even a mattress. The open closet revealed a few hangers dangling alone.

  Then it hit her. His scent. She inhaled deeply, enjoying musky sandalwood and the flood of memories that came with it. The memory of his face drifted to her, and she relished his shaky smile. She lingered in its warmth. Picturing herself close to him, she leaned against the door frame. Her imaginings left her close enough to run her fingers through his dark hair. Close enough to feel the pressure of his arms circling around her. Close enough that their lips could almost brush.

  Faint voices drifted to her. Bolting from the room, she closed the door and hurried down the hall. Zach was at the bottom of the stairs talking to someone she couldn't see. Slipping into the room before he could see her, she sat down in Blade's usual chair. Picking up the book on the table next to her, she opened it to a random page and pretended to read. Her pounding heart slowed until it resumed a normal speed by the time Zach walked in.

  “Jessica! Snuck up here already, huh?”

  She bristled at the word snuck, wondering if he guessed what she had done. “Thought I'd get some reading in before I had to go work on the hideout.”

  “Precisely, what I was thinking. Whatcha reading?”

  Jessica held back a relieved sigh. It didn't seem like he suspected anything. She held up the book and his eyebrows furrowed. “Hmm. Didn't know you were interested in world records.”

  Heat rose to her cheeks. “Just trying something new.”

  Zach pulled a rocking chair from the corner of the room forward until it brushed against her chair. He startled her by reaching forward and taking hold of one of her hands. She looked down, feeling his warmth against her skin.

  “I'm glad you're here. We don't often get a moment alone and, well, I was kind of hoping we could talk.” He coughed. “About us.”