Bleak Devotion Read online

  She pulled her hand away. “Yeah, I think we should, too. But—”

  “I know. You really haven't been here very long, and I'm sure your feelings are just returning to normal, but I feel like there's something between us.” He reached for her hand again and she pulled it back farther.

  “That's a nice thought, but—”

  “I can give you time, if that's what you need. But in the meantime, could we spend more time together? You're always spending time with Julie or Erin. And Blade, too, now that I think about it. Anyway, not the point. The point is, I was hoping that you'd spend some time with me, so we could get to know each other better.”

  “Zach, really, I do like spending time with you, but—”

  “Really? I mean, I thought you did, just sometimes you seem a little distant. But I know that you're still getting used to the social interactions and everything. We could hang out tonight, if you wanted.”

  “Can I please say something?”

  He popped his knuckles with a nervous laugh. “Go ahead.”

  Jessica relaxed a little, but found she couldn't look him in the eye. A horrid feeling pressed on her, threatening to close her throat. Emotions sucked. “I think you are a really great friend. I appreciate all the time you've spent befriending me, but… I don't like you in that way.”

  “That's all right. I know if we spend some time together you will. I mean, we've gotta be the last humans around, right? So the only guys left are me and Ben. No one could possibly want to spend more time with that grumpy old man. So, your feelings for me can grow. There's time.”

  “I'm sorry. It's just not going to happen.”

  He smiled at her. “I know you may not think so now, but when your feelings return to normal, it will.”

  “I like Blade.”

  “I know, we all do. The guy is too nice. And that's a good thing; your feelings must have started to return if you can like him. He's probably the hardest around here to like, even harder to like then Ben.”

  “That's not what I meant.”

  He looked up at her with curiosity. “What else could you mean?”

  She inwardly cringed. “I like him and he likes me back. We might not be able to make a relationship work, but we can't pretend not to care for one another.”

  His face darkened. “Care for one another?”

  She nodded, looking at the floor.

  Zach jolted up, the rocking chair swinging in his wake. “Blade?”

  “I'm sorry.”

  “Don't.” His face went flat, revealing nothing, and she suddenly felt like crying. “You can't really be choosing that monster over me, or even Ben for that matter. There's no way you would pick one of them.”

  She stood, anger heating her through. “Weren't you one of the people telling me that he's just like us? And only a minute ago you were talking about how likable he is.”

  “Of course he acts like one of us and he is likable, but that doesn't make him worthy of you. If you love him, he'll kill you.”

  Her face stung as if he had slapped her. “It’s too late. I can't change my heart.”

  He stepped back, his eyes wide. “You have to change it. Didn't you hear me? You'll die!”

  “He won't hurt me.”

  “Not yet, but he will,” Zach whispered. He stormed to the doorway and then paused. “If you ever do change your mind, I'll be here. I hope you change it before your emotions lead him to your death.”

  Jessica stared at the empty space Zach left behind, wondering if he was right.

  Chapter Twenty

  Staring into the darkness of the hideout, Jessica saw nothing. Light poured in from the basement, but didn't help her. What she looked for couldn't be seen.

  A shuffle of footsteps echoed through the room and then the light flipped on. Jessica squinted against its bright light.

  “Jessica,” Deborah's voice filled the silence, “what are you doing down here in the dark?”

  She shook her head. “Just needed some space I guess.”

  “Does this have anything to do with Zach?”

  Jessica grimaced, remembering the exchange that had taken place a week ago. At first Zach had ignored her, except to give her the occasional glare, but two days ago he sent her a letter apologizing for his behavior. Since then he talked to her as if nothing had happened. Sometimes though, she still caught him looking at her with a scowl. A scowl tainted with longing. “Yeah, I guess it does. I assume he told you about it.”

  “He did the day after you spoke. Said he was worried about your safety and if something happened to you it would be all his fault for not saying anything.”

  “Does that mean you changed your mind about me and Blade? Are you here to discourage me, too?”

  Deborah smiled and rubbed her arm with her small hand. “No, dear. I told him you knew the consequences and had the freedom to choose what you wanted.”

  After everything that had happened, freedom seemed like the last thing she had. “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “I also told him that your death was most unlikely, especially from Blade, and he'd better stop being so miserable or I'd make him have nothing but stable chores until he learned to act better than it smells out there.”

  “Would have served him right.” A grin teased Jessica's lips. “Thanks.”

  “Oh, I didn't just do it for you. He was driving me mad. We really don't need another Ben around here.”

  “That's the truth.” Jessica pulled at the bottom of her shirt. “The hideout looks good.”

  “We finished it faster than I expected. We'll be ready for Blade when he returns with the supplies, which should be any day now.”

  “Thank goodness,” Erin's quiet voice came from the doorway.

  Deborah put an arm around the younger girl when she came forward. “What can I do for you?”

  “I was looking for Jessica, actually. I was wondering if she,” Erin shifted her focus to Jessica, “if you would like to join me in the library.”

  “Sure, I'd be happy to. You don't have to wait for me, though. Blade is fine with you going there by yourself.”

  “I know he is. The thing is, it doesn't feel the same without him. The library is desolate without him, but it's at least manageable when someone else is there.”

  “I understand that.” Jessica ignored the tightening in her own chest. “Let me grab something to eat and we can head up together.”

  Erin and Jessica left Deborah behind to take some measurements. In the kitchen they found Vivian and Zach finishing up lunch. Zach gave Jessica a huge smile that squeezed her guilt uncomfortably and made her think it might have been easier if he had stayed mad at her.

  “Hi, Erin. Jessica,” Vivian rasped.

  “Hey,” Jessica mumbled. Zach looked like he was about to speak, so she focused her full attention on Vivian. “How are you?”

  “Good as expected without a smoke. Been months since I had one and I still crave 'em.”

  “It's good for you to not have access,” Erin interjected. “It wouldn't be so hard if you had given them up when I first asked.”

  Jessica shook her head at Erin, but before she could speak Vivian wiggled a finger at her. “Don't you let my girl's talk bother ya. She's been trying to get me to give 'em up since she could talk. She'd toddle over to my yard and say 'smokin bad'.”

  Jessica laughed, ignoring Zach's continued gaze on her. “Why am I not surprised?”

  With her head bowed, Erin replied, “Well, it is.”'

  “Don't worry, Erin, I agree with you.”

  “Hmpf.” Vivian slouched in her seat.

  Jessica meandered to the counter as Erin comforted the older woman and searched for something that wouldn't leave crumbs all over the library. It didn't take long to find something and edge to the doorway, hoping Erin would follow after her, but the girl didn't notice as she chatted away. Unfortunately, Zach did.

  “Hey, Jessica.” He paused, but she just scuffed her foot on the wood floor. “Did you get my letter
?”

  She nodded, unsure what to do with the mass of emotions swarming inside.

  “Oh. Since you hadn't said anything, I thought maybe it got lost or something.” When she still didn't reply he plodded on. “I just wanted to say I'm sorry for overreacting. I guess I just thought you felt the same way as me and the other thing you mentioned took me by surprise. I'm ready for it now. Still, though, if you ever change your mind, I'm totally here.”

  Jessica forced herself not to cringe. At least it was something. Something a lot better than their last conversation. “Thanks, Zach.” Erin walked over to them and she silently thanked the girl. “You ready?”

  “Yes,” she replied.

  “Great.” Jessica turned toward the hallway and said over her shoulder, “Catch you later, Zach.”

  Not waiting for a response, she raced away from him, up the stairs and to the library, drawing a sigh of relief at the familiar jumble of chairs and books. She automatically went to Blade's chair, thumbing his book. Erin settled in a chair in the corner of the room with her own novel.

  “What are you reading?” Jessica asked.

  “A book about a sea witch.” Erin paused, then looked up from her reading. “Do you ever wish you could live in the books you read instead of real life?”

  “All the time,” Jessica replied somberly.

  “Me, too. I mean, life in a book isn't perfect. This girl is turned into an underwater creature while in love with a man she'll now never be able to marry. Not exactly picturesque, yet I'd give anything to be her. She may not have a perfect world, but at least it’s one where she can be herself. Where people care about her and death isn't rampant. And there is a happy ending. I don't know if there will be in the real world.”

  “None of us know if our story has a happy ending. Bad things are going to happen. Heaven knows, they already have happened. But I don't think we should let that stop us. Even if our ending isn't going to be a happy one, I think we should try.”

  “Like how you and Blade are trying.”

  Jessica blinked several times and looked down at her book.

  “Sorry, I shouldn't pry,” Erin whispered.

  “No. You're fine. I just— I guess I didn't realize you knew about that.”

  A soft, tinkling laugh emanated from the girl. “I've noticed.”

  “I thought you'd only notice Zach.”

  “I do. He's been doting on you since the first. But it's different with Blade. The way you look at each other makes it look like you were always meant to be together. Even before you realized he was a good guy, sometimes you would still get that look.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. And Blade, well, he started acting so strange after you got here. Before he left I finally asked him what he thought of you. He wouldn't give a direct answer, but I could tell you meant something by the way he neutralized so fast. It got me thinking about the way you'd been acting around each other and I figured it out. Sorry.”

  Jessica shook her head. “Don't be sorry. You're right, we are trying. At least I think we might.”

  “You should.”

  She gave the girl a feeble smile.

  “No, I mean it.” Erin's face grew taut with determination. “You're right. About not knowing if there's going to be a happy ending, but thinking about you two trying gives me hope. It may not be the fairy tale in my book, but it is the happiest news I've ever heard. I hope it has a happy ending.”

  “Me, too.” But if it doesn't, Jessica silently added, what will that do to you?

  Erin smiled at her, then buried herself in a book. Instead of reading, Jessica stared out the picture window and basked in the smell of books. Snow still covered the valley, but was melting. It was a big reason the aliens had been able to get through to them and why Blade had been able to get out.

  Spring hovered in the air, but winter still had a bite. There would be more snow storms but, still, she welcomed the changing of the seasons. Except for the memory of last spring. The chill plummeting through her had nothing to do with the temperature. She had to get away from these memories. Erin's head drooped and her breathing deepened.

  “Erin,” Jessica whispered. “Are you awake?”

  The younger girl held still except for the steady rising and falling of her chest. Laying the book on the table next to her, Jessica eased up and tiptoed out of the room. There was a very good way to distract herself from morbid thoughts.

  Glancing down the stairway to make sure no one was there, she then headed straight for Blade's room. Ignoring the room she had yet to explore, she opened the door to his room and took a deep breath. His woody smell filled her, relaxing her muscles yet leaving her slightly troubled. Slipping inside, she closed the door behind her and sat beside it.

  She continued inhaling his scent, an ache for him constricting her heart. Tears rose unbidden to her eyes and flowed onto her cheeks. She missed him more than expected. But when he got back they'd return to a relationship teetering toward feeling and death. It would never do anything but torture and possibly hurt others if she made him lose control. Others like Erin.

  What was she doing? She buried her head in her hands. Zach was right. She shouldn't tempt Blade into losing control. She wanted it to have a happy ending, but the more she thought about it, the more unlikely it seemed. There would be no happy ending for them. It simply wasn't possible.

  If there couldn't be a happy ending, she must make sure it wasn't disastrous. Erin thought there was a look in her eye, so she just wouldn't look at him. She'd keep distance between them. Ignore the devotion to him growing within her. Pretend there was nothing.

  Returning to nothing. It's how life would always be now. Tears cascaded from her.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Jessica drifted in and out of consciousness on the all too familiar couch. Worrying over Blade's absence for almost three weeks made deep sleep impossible, despite resolving to not show him her feelings. Though it was early morning, she had yet to drag herself to bed. The fire had grown cold hours before, leaving her with only a thin blanket for warmth.

  The few snippets of sleep she managed caught her in a world of dreams. Strange dreams where her family was alive, but Blade was there. When she woke, she pulled the blanket up tighter around her and let the memories of her dream swaddle her. Not that her family and Blade would have ever been around each other, but they were happy thoughts. They comforted her, until the memory of her family's deaths overtook them with fierce intensity.

  She was stuck up in the attic looking down at them like before, completely powerless to do anything to help them. Nausea churned her stomach. She pounded on the window, desperately trying to get their attention. But something was different. Something very, very wrong. Blade was there. He was joining in playtime with the family. He ran beside little James, laughing and smiling like any human would. She froze, watching with an eager eye. The smile transformed him. Made the urge to go to him stronger than ever. Until she saw the monster approaching them. Horror assaulted her.

  She banged on the small window again, screaming for them to run, but they didn't hear her. They continued playing, drawing the monster in with their emotional display. She looked around the attic for something to break the window with, but it was empty. Nothing to get their attention.

  Helplessness flooded her, tears streaming down her face. She turned back to the window, desperately shrieking as the monster approached. She clawed at the bare window, trying to save her loved ones.

  Something shaky brushed against her cheek, but there was nothing shaky in the attic. Neither was it soft where she was standing, yet she was lying somewhere soft. The couch. It was just a dream. A dream.

  The nightmare faded into oblivion. The blanket around her became heavier and the warmth that eluded her earlier enveloped her. As she drifted into a peaceful slumber, the couch trembled lightly beneath her.

  ...

  Jessica buried herself deeper inside her blankets, unwilling to allow the day to start. Th
e last couple hours of sleep had been restful, but memories of her nightmare still lingered. Fear mingled with worry over Blade made her want to hide in her blankets for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, she was still in the living room, and the breakfast crowd would soon be in to bother her.

  Opening her eyes, she saw the knotted texture of a blue blanket, light trying to shine through. It must be later in the day than she thought. She wondered why no one had kicked her off the couch yet. They'd probably be along to do it soon enough. She had best get up. She shoved the covers off her to discover familiar hazel eyes staring back at her.

  “Blade!” She rushed forward, forgetting caution. Throwing her arms around his strong frame, she pulled herself close. “I was so worried. I was afraid that—” The violent tremors emanating from his body stopped her.

  She pulled away with a sick knot forming in her stomach, waiting for him to rush from the room at any moment. She had broken the promise to maintain a casual distance between them, but the relief at seeing him won over. That couldn't happen. Control was vital. She wanted to look at him to gauge his reaction, but couldn't break her rule again by looking. Even a glance would be too much.

  His arms gently wrapped back around her, pulling her back. “Stay right here, Jess.”

  Her mouth opened wide as she stared, her gaze fixed on him until he gave her a quick squeeze. The movement eased the initial shock, allowing her to relax. But only for a moment, then she would keep distance between them.

  His frame rocked with the effort of controlling his emotion, but he kept his arms wrapped tightly around her. Her skin tingled and warmed where they touched. She snuggled closer and breathed him in. His empty room didn't do the smell justice. Contentment filled her like it never had before.

  In that moment, she was truly happy. She gave a little exhale at the realization. Even if a happy ending couldn't be, wouldn't it be worth it to be happy for at least a little while? She didn't know, but hoped. She didn't want him to let go. Besides, maybe they could work it out. Maybe Zach's pessimism was wrong. His arms were around her after all. So wonderfully warm around her.