Bleak Devotion Read online

  “You're freezing.” He pulled her closer and led her to the library, where he picked up the closest blanket. Draping it over her shoulders, he stood so close his breath helped warm her. Inside and out. She pursed her lips as she wondered how a day could be so rough on her emotions.

  “Just give me some time, okay?” Blade whispered in her ear.

  “Time?”

  “That's right. I—” His tremors increased, but he held his ground, keeping their hands locked. “I would like to kiss you someday, but I won't do so until I'm sure I won't turn into a monster.”

  “I can wait.” For one of his kisses, she would wait a lifetime.

  He pulled her closer into a tight hug. For a moment she thought he said “I can't,” but it happened so fast and would have been so unbelievably wonderful that it was certain to be a mistake.

  She didn't want the hug to end, but he stepped back, holding on to her hand. “Let's get you something to eat.”

  They headed for the kitchen, caring more about the progress that had been made than the food waiting for them. Her lips tingled at the thought of him making good on his word, but at the same time a sickening knot of worry formed in her stomach.

  How could they really do this? Blade reached up and gently grabbed her hand. Biting her nails again. Despite the problems, he didn't seem to mind, instead interlocking their fingers as they continued on together.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Jessica let out a squeal of glee when she looked out the kitchen window and saw grass poking through the snow. “Spring is here!”

  “Not quite,” Zach said. “This is just a peek. It won't really come for weeks, maybe even months from now.”

  She pouted; even though she knew it wasn't becoming, she couldn't stop it. “I'm ready for it. Winter has taken too long. What month is it anyway?”

  “I don't know.” Zach sidled up close to her and looked out the window. “Probably around February or March.”

  She stepped away from Zach, even though she still wanted to gaze at the splash of green. “That means we missed Christmas and my birthday.”

  “Your birthday?” Blade said as he entered the kitchen. “How could we miss such an event? How old are you?”

  She smiled at him, her chest feeling like it would ignite just looking at him. Before she could respond, Zach sulked between them. “Don't you know it's not polite to ask a woman her age?”

  Scoffing, Jessica turned back to the window. “That's only some older women. Being eighteen, I don't think I belong in that category.”

  Officially adulthood, as if such a thing as childhood still existed. It ended on such a sour note. Maybe she could find more peace now, though she'd always miss the carefree way things used to be. And James. As she gazed at the pathetic patch of green, thoughts of last spring surfaced. She leaned up against the sink, gaze turning toward nothing.

  “So, Blade,” Zach said loudly, “I've been wondering, how do you aliens make babies?”

  A burst of heat fill Jessica's face, rapidly pulling her thoughts from the pain. She wanted to whip around and sock Zach in the face. What a thing to say!

  Still… curiosity seeped through her. Blade couldn't even kiss her, how did his kind do anything intimate? As soon as she thought of that, she grew suspicious about why Zach was asking in such a loud, unmissable way. She would bet her happiness over spring he was trying to illustrate a way she couldn't be with Blade. Yet another way. Her shoulders slumped. Why didn't problems ever take a break?

  “That's an impertinent question,” Blade retorted.

  “I don't mean to pry, but I'm curious. Your kind has families and offspring, but I don't understand how.” Zach's tone was even, except for the faintest hint of flippancy. She tightened her fingers on the counter.

  When Blade responded, his voice sounded severe. “The continuation of life is sacred and not something we speak of lightly.”

  “Sorry,” Zach said, adopting Blade's serious tone. As he continued, Jessica wanted to crawl over the kitchen sink and throw herself through the window, but she thought that would somehow make things worse. “I don't mean to be impertinent, but I really would like to know.”

  Blade didn't respond right away. “Fine. I will answer this once and I never want to hear anything on it from you again, Zach.” With a deep breath, he continued. “Deborah expressed this same curiosity to me once, though she put it more delicately than you. Through that conversation, I've come to understand that the process is the same for both of our species, except ours doesn't display an emotion with it.”

  “But how is that possible?” Zach persisted.

  “We've survived as a race that doesn't show our feelings for generations. How do you think?” Blade's voice wavered with anger. Jessica felt indignation on his behalf. She hoped Blade's anger would halt any further questions. If not, things were about to take a tricky turn.

  While the silence continued, she contemplated what Blade had said, mostly the part about them not displaying emotion. When she and Cindy had noticed they never showed emotion and then discovered they turned into monsters when they saw it, she had assumed they were incapable of even feeling it.

  She'd thought Blade trying to not only handle seeing emotion but learning to feel was unique to him. Like he was the one man born with six toes out of millions. When he talked about not showing their feelings, that tossed that bad assumption out.

  But if that really was the case, then they had to be more like him than she thought. After all, she had felt emotion when she was around them, but not shown it. The hard fact of death made it surprisingly possible to keep it under wraps. Could their entire race know how to do so?

  Something brushed against her arm, pulling her from her thoughts. She turned to swat it, thinking Zach was invading her space again, but froze midair when she realized it was Blade. He smiled at her and the chill around her heart warmed. Wrapping her hand around his forearm, she smiled back.

  “Where'd Zach go?”

  His lips twitched. “I scared him off.”

  “Poor guy. Hope you didn't do anything too drastic.”

  “Mmm.” He pressed his lips together. “You want to go for a walk and enjoy the weather while it lasts?”

  “That'd be great.” Much better than great.

  “Let me go find jackets for both of us and I'll be right back.”

  She tightened her grip on him, not ready to let go even though she'd see him soon. The tips of her fingers brushed against something hard and slippery. Registering what it was, she could only stare up at him.

  “What's wrong?”

  “I… Your…” She swallowed and pulled her hand away from the metal. “Your arm just startled me.”

  Realization lit Blade's eyes. He ripped his arm away from her and snatched her hand up. Turning the faucet next to them on, he scrubbed her hand off. “I'm sorry. I should have realized.”

  “It's not a big deal. Sometimes I just forget.” Not something she would have ever thought could happen months ago. “What are you doing?”

  Blade pulled her hand from the water and dabbed it dry with a nearby towel. “I don't want to see you get hurt.”

  “I'm fine. Really.” She squeezed his hand that trembled beneath hers. For being better at controlling emotion, it seemed he still struggled a lot.

  “Sorry to interrupt such a touching moment, but I forgot something.” Zach grunted and shoved his way between them.

  Jessica glared at the back of his head as he picked up a book off the counter. He turned, not looking at her, and took a few steps. Suddenly, he stopped. He grabbed something off the fridge and turned whipped toward Blade. Something flashed through the air. It flew to the back of Blade's arm, smacking against it before falling to the ground. Jessica scrutinized the silver object until she realized it was a magnet.

  “Excuse me.” Blade brushed past both of them and left the room trembling.

  “Idiot,” Jessica spat out. “Could you be any stupider?”

  He sc
owled after Blade's exit then took a breath, smoothing his boyish face and looked at her. “Sorry. I saw the magnet and I remembered a comic with metal that could be manipulated with magnets and I thought maybe it would work on them, too.”

  “And what? You couldn't just ask first? You had to go and throw a magnet at him instead of just asking?”

  Zach looked down, his cheeks tinted pink. “I guess I was just thinking about trying the idea out.”

  “You are just lucky he can control himself and didn't tear you apart because of your stupidity. Next time something like that crosses your mind, remember this is real life and not a comic book.”

  “Jess?” Blade stood in the hallway wearing a long sleeved jacket and cowboy hat, holding out her jacket.

  She walked to him and let him help her put the jacket on. With one last look at Zach she sputtered out, “And you'd better be glad he's still in good enough condition to take me on a walk or you'd be in real trouble.”

  She stomped out of the house not bothering to look back. Passing the doorway her eyes skirted over the stark gouges in the wood. She shivered in the cold sunlight. No matter how things went, memories would always haunt the door.

  Blade joined her, making her think about making new memories, better ones. Together they strolled to the stream in front of the house. Under a thick plate of ice, the water bubbled and chugged over the rocks.

  “You all right?”

  She looked up at Blade, taking a better gander at his cowboy hat, and burst out laughing. “Sorry.” Clutching her sides, she tried to suppress the laughter, but failed. From the corner of her eye, the sight of his trembling arms sobered her.

  His eyebrows rose closer to the hat. “Did I miss something?”

  Looking away from him, Jessica snickered. “It's just… that hat really looks all wrong on you.”

  “You don't like my hat?”

  She giggled again, feeling her cheeks heating. “Some guys look really good in cowboy hats, but… it doesn't really go with you.”

  “Well then, I guess I'll have to find a better one.”

  “A ball cap would suit you better.”

  “They don't cover enough.”

  Her brows drew together. “Keeps the sun out of your eyes, isn't that enough?”

  “No. My home planet must have a different type of sun than yours or something. Or maybe it's the cloud cover or something I else I don't know about. Whatever it is, my skin burns easily, so I try to keep it covered.”

  “Are you sure you're not a vampire trying to stay out of direct sunlight so you don't turn to ashes or weaken?”

  Blade's forehead wrinkled beneath his hat. “What?”

  “You know, vampires. Fangs. Blood drinkers.”

  “You have creatures that run around drinking blood and you're surprised by my race?”

  She stopped in another fit of giggles. “No. They aren't real. Vampires live only in imaginations and maybe a few delusional people who think they are one.”

  “Humans are so strange. I love reading and learning more about you, but some of this stuff is just crazy. You're really serious about imagining blood drinkers?”

  “Yup. Vampires look human just like us, except in your case without the metal. Usually absolutely gorgeous and a bunch of other traits that varies by story. But they all drink blood.”

  “Gross.” He shook his head and reached for her hand. Their fingers wrapped around each other, sending a wave of warmth up Jessica's arm. They walked in silence a short ways, snow crunching beneath their sneakers. When they got to the patch of green grass, he stopped, pulling her closer. She leaned against him, savoring the feel of him. Of them.

  “Blade, I've been thinking. Before I came here I… came across a female of your kind. When she looked at me I could see emotion on her face. Not a lot, but enough to leave me surprised. Before that I didn't even think your kind could feel anything. I still wondered about your kind feeling until just recently. Why did she show something?”

  “There were only other females around?”

  “Yup.”

  “That'd be why. Females feel emotion just fine and really, so do males. The times I remember where it was just my mother and I, she always smiled at me.” He looked up at the mountain, then back at her. “It's just like when they celebrate, they show emotion when it's just them. What I want to know is how you got so close to them and weren't discovered.”

  She clenched her jaw as a chill ran up her arm. “I almost was. That's when Cindy didn't make it.”

  He brushed his hand across her cheek. As they continued walking, she wanted to touch her cheek where his hand had been, but stifled the reaction. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Jessica resumed the conversation.

  “How do you handle your own emotions? I mean, I used to think that your kind just didn't feel and that female was just some fluke. Obviously that's not the case. How does it all work? Feeling emotion, showing it, not showing it, changing.”

  “Easily enough. Emotion, whether from ourselves or another, cause us to change. From others, we have to be able to see it, realize it's happening. Usually that makes us feel something and react. Before I got here I had only slight control of my own emotions. Really, it was more like I buried them so deep inside myself that it wouldn't stir the creature in me which drives the change.”

  “What—” She cleared her throat and then forced herself to continue, “What is it like when you change?”

  The forest was hushed around them as he responded. “When I see emotion or feel emotion that isn't buried fast enough I… feel tense, tight. Especially the back of my arms. Then it's like something else takes hold of me as the metal shapes into blades. Something I've little control over once it happens.”

  Her chest tightened, pressed upon by the weight of it all. Not for herself, but for him. For having to deal with this. “How do you change back then, if you don't have control anymore?”

  “Wait for the emotion to pass. The creature which comes out feeds off it; if it's gone, so is the creature. In that sense, the change usually kills itself off after a time unless it's an emotion I'm feeling.”

  “What do you do then?”

  “Try to get the emotion under control. Depending on the emotion, it can easy or hard.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “Well, it's like trying to find a good book. Some are easy to come by. Other times you want to read something specific, but everything you find doesn't quite satisfy what you want. You keep searching and reading, and eventually you find the perfect one.

  “The difference with controlling emotion once changed is that I can't just pick up a book and read it. I have to pick through my emotions, trying to find a way to calm them. If it's just being miffed at someone like Zach, it's easy to calm. But strong emotions, ones for people I really care about—” His gaze found mine, making me freeze. “—they are harder to remember how to find the calm.”

  Her movements not only froze, but her heart as well as their gazes remain locked. How could she do this to him? How did he learn to deal with it? A tremor ran through his jaw, reminding her that even at that moment she affected him.

  She hurried to get both their minds away from each other. “That sucks.”

  Blade snorted, breaking the spell between us. “An understatement about the whole process, but yes, it does.”

  “I'm sorry.”

  “Don't worry about it. I'm learning to deal with it.” Though the shaking of his arms said it would be a long learning process. “Should we talk about something happier?”

  Please, she thought, anything to get rid of my effect on you. For now. “Like what?”

  “Well, if I'd have known your birthday happened while you were here, I would have gotten you something.” His words with a hint of a smile made Jessica enjoy the change of topic.

  “It's no biggie. When's your birthday?”

  “I don't know. We were always too busy running, hiding, and fighting to worry about celebrating the day of a
birth, other than the year you are born.”

  “Well, maybe we should change that. I could get Kimberly to make you your very own birthday cake.”

  “You don't need to go to the trouble.” His voice almost sounded normal, but a tinge of disgust tainted the words.

  She giggled. “Oh, right. No sugar.” Gazing out along the road, she sobered. The world was still out there. “How did setting up the perimeter go?”

  “Good. Erin helped a lot, but Ben was the biggest surprise. I think that's the closest he's ever come to being cordial to me.”

  “Wow. I missed that?”

  “Unfortunately,” he said. “I think it's secure. We did a few test runs and they all relayed a breach back to the house like they should.”

  “And now I get to enjoy a new chore. Babysitting a machine. Joy.”

  “I'll keep you company when it's your turn if you like.”

  The thought of him sitting close to her for a few hours made a staccato rhythm out of her heartbeat. “I'd like that.”

  Blade looked down into her eyes. “If you want my cooperation, you'd have to be willing to do the same for me, of course.”

  “I think I could manage that,” she whispered.

  They leaned closer to one another, their breath dancing together. She held still, afraid any movement might ruin the moment, but the very air around them was charged. A slight breeze sprang up, rustling them together, tugging her hair toward him.

  Blade's hand trembled in hers. The rest of his body soon followed, leaving them just barely touching. Barely, yet every part of her sang with the nearness of him. It was like two halves which belonged together but had always been apart finally coming together. Finally being where they belonged.

  He bent closer, his mouth hovering less than an inch from hers. An electrifying current jolted between them. Her breathing turned ragged. Any second he would run off. Any second he would leave her. But here and now, they were being.